Itchy Issues
by Scarbie
Summary: Naked Snake encounters problems while searching for Raikov. Not to mention the issues Snake has after finding the man. Rated T for language and potty humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Itchy Issues  
**Author**: Scarbie**  
Game**: Metal Gear Solid 3  
**Rating**: PG-13 (for language and potty humor)  
**Genre**: Parody  
**Summary**: Snake encounters problems (mainly those stupid scientists) while searching for Raikov.

* * *

  
"Major, I'm in the Groznyj Grad Weapons Lab," Snake said as he surveyed the area, making sure to avoid the guards.

"Good. You should fit in well wearing that scientist uniform. And please take off that black face paint!"

Snake touched a finger to his cheek and then looked at it. There was indeed a black smudge. "Oh. Good looking out, Major."

On the airship, Major Zero looked heavenward. "Sometimes I wonder about him," he said wearily.

The auburn haired woman sitting in front of him laughed. "Don't you think he should get rid of that bandana too? It doesn't look very academic."

The Major put a hand on her shoulder. "With Snake, we need to take things one step at a time."

Of course Snake didn't hear his support team doubting his mental abilities. He was in the first floor restroom removing the alarming face paint. When he saw his tanned face in the mirror he realized there was something missing. Reaching into the white lab coat's pocket he found the most vital piece of his disguise. The glasses.

He put them on with much care as if he could bend the thick black plastic out of shape. When he took another look at himself he was satisfied with what he saw. "Looking good, Jack. Looking _smart_," he thought.

Snake was about to retie his headband when a guard walked into the washroom. He froze for a split second and then turned on the faucet and washed his hands for a second time. "No CIA spies here. Just a guard and a scientist in the men's room," he thought.

The guard gave Snake a brief glance and headed towards the urinals. The spy almost wanted to sigh in relief but the guard backtracked. The Russian man spotted something in that brief glance he didn't like. He stepped closer to Snake.

"What's that shit in your ear?" The guard asked pointing at the ear that held the receiver to Snake's radio.

Snake had to use his years of CIA training to get out of this situation. Several scenarios came to his mind. Should he just off the guard and stuff him in the stall? Should he break the guards neck but make it look like a slip and fall? They were in a washroom after all with plenty of water and when he first entered he spotted a wet floor sign in the corner. It only took about four seconds to come up with all the scenarios.

For his support team, those four seconds seemed like an eternity. Snake went with something even simpler.

"WHAT? I can't hear you. Let me turn this up."

"I asked what was in your ear!" The guard yelled.

"Oh, you got diarrhea?" Snake shook his head sympathetically. "That's bad! You better hurry!"

The Russian realized that it was a hearing aid in the scientist's ear. He figured the spectacled man had been near rocket engines too long.

"Just forget it." The guard made his way to the row of urinals and then thought better of being in the restroom with the off kilter scientist. He decided to leave and come back later.

Snake wiped his forehead with the bandanna then retied it. He kept the thing on a whim. It could possibly be considered naive but the Boss's old accessory seemed to be bringing him luck.

"That was a close one, Snake! Great job diverting the guard's suspicions!" The espionage agent ducked his head in an "Aw, shucks" manner.

"Major, I have removed the face paint," Snake said with a sense of accomplishment.

"Good, Snake," Zero enthused, "Now you must find Raikov and obtain his uniform.

"You know where he might be?"

Major Zero could only stand so much hand holding and was starting to lose his patience. "He's in there somewhere, Snake. Why don't you call EVA?"

This sounded like a great idea to Snake. It would give him an excuse to call the mysterious and beautiful blonde. He reached into his coat and turned the radio's dial to frequency 142.52.

"I see you've made it to the laboratory."

"Hi, EVA," the grown man said dreamily. Even though the former NSA codebreaker's breasts were out of sight they were not out of his mind.

"You have to get Major Raikov's uniform," she said, keeping the conversation on the most relevant information.

"Everyone keeps telling me that. Where can I find him?"

There was a scoff on EVA's end. "He should be around there… somewhere on the east wing."

Snake took a deep breath and counted to three. "That narrows things down but could you be a little more specific?"

"You've seen the pictures. He should be easy to spot. Especially since his hair is long."

"Yeah, what's going on with that? It's regulation to have your hair cut above the collar, yet he can go around looking like a Russian hippy."

Eva tried to think of a way to phrase it subtlety. "Well, there are certain benefits that come with his position."

Snake nodded. "Yeah, but he's a Major, same as plenty of other soldiers around here."

"You just don't understand."

In a soft voice Snake said, "Help me understand."

"Do you really think now is a good time to try to hit on me?" EVA asked, somewhat annoyed.

That didn't go over nearly as well as Snake thought it would, considering she flirted with him _all_ the time. She made him so confused.

Snake cleared his throat and said, "No, I wasn't trying to hit on you. I just don't see why he can get away with things another soldier would get chewed out about. And I still don't understand why he has Colonel class clearance!"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Eva remarked.

Snake not liking being held in ignorance decided to change the subject.

"So where can I find him?"

He heard Eva 'hmmm' in thought.

"I'll have to think about that for a moment."

A moment passed.

"So where can I find him?" Snake asked again.

"Snake, do you really have to take things so literally? He likes poetry," she said. The last bit of info was more like thinking out loud than a statement.

"And I like ham sandwiches. How does that info help me?" Snake asked, still feeling sore about being considered slow.

EVA rolled her eyes and while Snake couldn't see it he knew she was irritated by her response.

"In case you haven't noticed, there is a library on the first floor."

Snake was so relived to hear some concrete information. "Now we're getting somewhere! Thanks, EVA!" He clicked the radio off.

With his great disguise he should have no problem in the library. He looked so _smart_!

Snake strolled into the library. His walk was filled with a confidence that a man has when he knows that he can kick ass. This aura around him would get him spotted time after time! There were two real scientists in the room; a small, weedy, and balding man near the front and a taller man browsing through bookshelves along the left wall. The other men in the small library had confidence also but of a different sort. They knew that they were among the most brilliant minds in the Soviet Union if not the world. But this type of confidence wouldn't hold up in a fist, knife, or gunfight.

"Where's the damn poetry section," Snake fumed as he prowled the room.

When Snake entered the library, the man at the front eyed him momentarily and went back to flipping through a dense book. Snake thought, "Just us nerds." His disguise was so good and he continued to search haphazardly.

"Can I help you?" An eager voice asked.

Snake turned around and saw that it was the smaller scientist.

"I was looking for a particular volume of poetry."

The scientist expected Snake to be looking for a volume that pertained to the work being done on the Shagohad.

The scientist pursed his lips and said, "The poetry section is in the back but I don't know when you'll have time to read it."

"I know! Equations this. Propulsion that. Where does the time go?" Snake said and chuckled. You couldn't just put on a disguise. You had to live it!

On the airship, Sigint mouthed, "What the hell?"

Major Zero and Para-medic could only groan at Snake's idea of intellectual small talk.

Snake's conversation partner laughed for a bit also but then his face darkened. "The propulsion system of the Shagohad is my area of expertise. I work directly under Dr. Sokolov and I don't remember seeing you at any of the meetings." The scientist started backing away slowly.

Snake scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Yeah, I have to stop oversleeping." Maybe he could still salvage the situation.

The smaller man scrutinized Snake further, taking in the man's thick beard, full head of hair, clear blue eyes, and what appeared to be an extremely fit body underneath the white lab coat. The man before him was no scientist!

"Who are you?" the man whimpered. "Guards! Guards!"

The other scientist hearing the commotion dashed to a red box affixed on the wall and pushed a button. A klaxon sounded, making all the guards aware that there was an intruder in their midst. Snake roughly shoved the scientist out of the way and ran out of the room. He remembered seeing a few guards outside. Maybe he could sneak past them.

"Guards! Guards! Hurry! He's in here!" The scientist yelled as he jumped around and pointed in Snake's direction.

Maybe not.

Snake desperate to get away resorted to desperate measures. In a blink of an eye, he took off the lab coat and grabbed a stun grenade. As he pulled the pin and threw it in the direction of the oncoming guards he thought frantically of what he could do. One idea that was prominent was heading back to the bathroom. It wasn't that the situation made him want to shit his pants.

When the stun grenade emitted its blinding flash, Snake ran into the restroom. The urinals weren't his goal but the solitary stall he spotted when washing his face earlier. As he approached the door it opened automatically.

"Of all the doors to make motion sensitive," Snake groused. He dimly wondered how a man was supposed to get privacy when they were taking a dump. He tried to think of a way to secure the door. But that would only arouse more suspicion. He had to think of something.

As he looked around the large stall he heard the door to the men's restroom opening and the sound of booted footsteps. Snake's mind kicked into high gear. He only had a few moments to come up with something. He managed to escape disaster once in this bathroom he could do it again. This made him think back to how he avoided exposure earlier and this combined with his concern over general privacy provided him with a good plan. Now it was time to put it into action.

"Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that beef stroganov. I don't know which end to put over the toilet!" Snake said in perfectly accented yet anguished Russian. He heard the footsteps come to a halt then proceed closer and closer. Snake did the only thing he could think of…

Make disgusting sound effects. Snake held a hand tightly over his mouth and blew air into it. "Oh, I think this is the big one!" He dug into his backpack and pulled out a spoiled otton frog. "Damn! It's a shame that this went to waste. I love these!" he thought.

The CIA agent hovered the dead amphibian about 6 inches off the toilet then dropped it in. It made a loud a loud 'plop' sound. "Oh god!" Snake moaned in agony.

Major Zero and his team continued to monitor Snake's progress.

"He doesn't always come off as the sharpest knife in the drawer but he is resourceful!" Zero sideways complemented the agent.

Para-Medic rested her head on her hand but couldn't suppress the smile.

"That fool is crazy!" Sigint said.

Back in the stall, Snake advertised how bad things were. "You don't want to come in here for another… fifteen… twenty minutes," he said in pained tones.

This made everyone on the airship laugh.

The guard's footsteps were heard rapidly retreating. Snake not only averted disaster but he bought himself a significant amount of time. One of the guards grazed his arm during the shootout and there was quite a bit of bleeding. Snake quickly treated it the way Para-Medic instructed.

Going back into the library and waiting for Raikov to show up was no longer a realistic course of action. Snake cautiously left the confines of the bathroom stall and made his way up the stairway. Hopefully he would have better luck on the second floor.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Though the stairwell was only a few yards away, Snake traversed that distance as if it was littered with mines. Even though his disguise was so good the scientists put up such a fuss that the guards might still be suspicious of him.

"Stupid scientists," Snake thought, "I hate them." He immediately felt bad for thinking that because Sokolov seemed like a pretty decent guy.

He finally made his way up the staircase and entered the closest room. Snake was in luck because the room was empty and he had time to take in his surroundings. It was obvious that the tables in the room wouldn't serve as good hiding places if there were need of any. There was a partition dividing the room and he decided to see if the other side was any better.

There was a door on this side and he planned on using it until he saw a dark haired soldier patrolling the upper levels through the glass. Snake knew his disguise was good but he felt that not much would get pass this particular officer.

"Damn," Snake said under his breath. "Raikov might be in that other room," he thought, "Maybe there's another way in."

He moved back to the partition and peeked around it and saw that there was one soldier walking in. Snake touched his bandanna and felt less silly for keeping it. The soldier on the other side of the room just happened to be the Major he was looking for.

Snake took a good look at the man. The blond's features were so delicate and almost doll-like. But looking at the way his body filled the uniform, Snake knew that Raikov wasn't as 'soft' as his face would imply.

Raikov wandered around the room as if there was something to patrol. There were no hiding places on that side of the room. Hell, that was why Snake was on the other side.

Snake heard a voice in his ear. It was Major Zero.

"Snake! What are you waiting for? He's right there!"

"I know," the agent said sharply but in a quiet voice.

"Get to it then."

"Major, it's a process."

"What process? Just go over there, knock him on the head, break his neck, whatever and be done with it."

Snake tried to think of a way to explain what he was doing. "I'm doing my observation. You have to study the way the person moves, their behavioral patterns down to their nervous tics. I'm going to be pretending to be this man soon."

"Yes, yes, that's all very impressive but you're just going to get Sokolov in the west wing, which is practically next door and then getting out. It's not that serious."

"Okay," Snake said feeling downcast. He was planning to be a Raikov like no one had seen before.

Another voice broke in, "Snake, what the hell are you going on about? You just need to look like Raikov. The mouth on the mask doesn't move."

"That's some mask," Snake said sarcastically.

"You're not supposed to be talking. That's how people get tripped up!"

"Ah, maybe you're right," Snake agreed. What if he ran into the guy's girlfriend and said the wrong thing?

Snake would see in a few moments how right Sigint was. Arguing over methodologies (even in a hushed voice) attracted Raikov's attention.

"What is that sound," the blond man thought aloud. It was coming from the other side of the wall.

"Uh oh, gotta go," Snake whispered.

"What are you doing out of the laboratory? Come over here immediately."

"Umm…well, you see I was working on the propulsion…"

"Oh Lord, not the propulsion crap again," Sigint said on the airship.

Snake's low mumbling was irritating the Major and the blond stepped forward so he could hear the scientist better and punch him.

"And then I told him that didn't make any sense because the uh, vectors didn't add up and he tried to argue with me and I just didn't feel like hearing it-"

Snake was interrupted by the Major's fist heading towards his face that he deftly caught.

"Who the hell are you?" the Major asked, lifting one of his eyebrows. "You're no scientist."

"No, I'm not but I had you fooled." Snake used the grip on the man's fist to twist his arm.

"No, you didn't!" Raikov said as he worked to get out of the hold.

"Not even for a minute? Why did you ask about me not being in the lab?"

"Oh, shut up!" Raikov said as he broke completely free of the hold and punched Snake in the stomach.

"Damn, this guy can hit," Snake thought. He took a chance and briefly looked up to see the current location of the guard on the other side of the glass. That soldier was facing away but he would be facing the fight in a minute or a little less. It was always better to estimate that you had less time. That was one of the many things that the Boss taught him. Snake had to get control of the fight and bring it to the other side of the room or at least the other side of the lockers.

He grappled with Raikov and managed to throw him in the right direction. In fact Snake threw him into the lockers lining the wall. He hoped the guard outside of the room couldn't hear the commotion. He had to hurry and follow through because the other man was recovering quickly. It wouldn't do to have another alarm sound. He kicked the man back to the floor a few times when the Major tried to get up. It really was ridiculous that there weren't pockets deep enough in his lab coat to hold his tranq gun. The fight could've been over already.

He grabbed Raikov by the lapel of his uniform jacket and grunted when the man kneed him in the stomach. Thank goodness he wasn't able to get a good angle on Snake because that could've hit a delicate area. If Raikov had come across Snake three hours ago, after the agent ate some spoiled milk snake—that was already disgusting—getting hit in the stomach twice may have staggered him more.

It was time to end the fight. Taking a deep breath, he ran through the basics of CQC in his mind and put it into action. Seconds later he had Raikov in a virtually unbreakable sleeper hold. Now it was only a matter of time before the man would drift into unconsciousness.

"I had to work for that," Snake thought when the blond's head lolled in the crook of his arm. He had the feeling that the Boss would be disappointed in him if she saw the fight.

He wasted no time and started unbuttoning the Major's uniform and maneuvering the unconscious man in order to remove the jacket and shirt without wrinkling the material.

"Snake, hurry up!" Major Zero ordered.

"Geez, Major, do you want me to walk around all wrinkled?"

EVA broke into the conversation, "I really don't think that people will care about that, Snake. Who knows, that might be a state that the soldiers are used to seeing him in, especially after meeting with Col—"

Major Zero interrupted her. "Just get his pants off and throw Raikov in the locker. You just need to get through to the west wing."

"Yes, sir!"

Snake quickly took off the other man's shoes and socks and unbuttoned Raikov's trousers and pulled them down. Snake looked down at Raikov and noticed that the man's underwear was not the usual briefs or boxers. He kneeled by the man's head and lifted Raikov under his arms and dragged him to an opened locker.

When he shoved Raikov in the locker he didn't close the door fast enough and the Major would've fallen flat on his face if not for Snake's reflexes.

"Let's try this again," Snake thought.

When he maneuvered the body for a second time, the design on Raikov's underwear, near the blond's right hipbone caught his eye.

"What is that?" Snake thought as he held the man steady. "A thunderbolt? Why the hell would he have that on his underpants?"

Snake's mind flashed back to Sokolov theatrically saying, "They call him… Thunderbolt!"

Snake dropped Raikov as realization hit. Now all of EVA's comments made so much more sense. No wonder why the Raikov had Colonel-class clearance despite only being a Major.

He picked the Major up again and carefully put him the locker, closing the door quickly.

"Wow," Snake said to no one in particular.

Snake removed his own clothes quickly but made sure to fold his laboratory coat neatly—he never knew when he might need that again—and changed into Raikov's uniform.

He was surprised that the uniform was almost a perfect fit. Unfortunately Raikov's shoes were a size too small.

"These shoes sure do pinch," Snake said under his breath.

"It's not like you're not going to be running cross-country in them!" Major Zero said. "But it is great that you have Raikov's uniform. That along with the mask Sigint made, you are well on your way!"

Snake put on the mask and was grateful that the plastic smell wasn't overpowering. He called everyone again to get their opinions of it. Everyone seemed to be impressed. He was a bit disappointed that Para-Medic seemed to like it quite a bit. A little too much.

When he spoke to EVA, she assured him that things should go smoother from that point forward. Major Raikov could get away with pretty much anything, including being an all-around jerk to his fellow soldiers.

With all this in mind Snake confidently left the room. Things were finally going to be easy.

Or so he thought. When he left the room and walked down the staircase he started feeling very strange. He pulled at the fabric of the uniform pants. Snake felt more uncomfortable with every step. He went back up the stairs and called Para-Medic. He didn't want to take any chances.

"Para-Medic?" Snake asked, sounding somewhat distressed.

"Yes, Snake?"

"Please say something to make it go away."

"Oh, dear," the doctor thought, "he didn't seem like the type that would have a breakdown in the middle of a mission."

"Make what go away?" she asked.

"This goddamn itching!"

"Where are you itching?"

"I rather not say." From the tone of Snake's voice she could imagine him turning red.

"Do you have a rash? When did it start?"

"About few minutes ago."

Paramedic nodded her head as things were beginning to make more sense. "When you put on Raikov's uniform."

"Yes," Snake said.

"Snake, I don't know if there's anything I can do for you. Your symptoms are more than likely psychosomatic in nature."

"Hmm…"

"You do know what that means, don't you, Snake?"

"Yes, I'm not dumb."

"Okay, sorry."

There was silence on the other end.

"If it makes you feel better if he had on underwear that would act as a lining. He had on underwear, right?"

Snake heard snickers in the background.

"Yeah, but they were rather scant."

"Scant?" She was surprised to hear the man use a word like that.

"Yeah. Did you like that word?" he asked flirtatiously.

"Snake, cut it out! I just didn't expect to hear you use that word. When you say 'scant' how so?"

Snake sounded flustered. "I don't know how to describe it. His bare ass cheeks were touching the fabric of the pants." Just describing the black underwear made Snake itch even more.

"Snake, you're wearing underwear. That should make you feel at least a little better."

There was another pregnant pause on the other end.

"You're not wearing any underwear," she said flatly.

Sigint's voice came over the line. "So you're just hangin' out there, man? Keep your pants on for real!"

Major Zero broke into the conversation. "Just do something to get your mind off of the itching."

"Yes, sir! I'm sure I'll figure something out," the agent said.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

"God, how could he walk around with that creeping up his ass?" Snake wondered.

He walked outside of the locker room and headed over to the lone guard patrolling the area beyond the glass. As he approached the man saluted him and said, "Sir!" with utmost respect. Snake saluted him back.

The itching just wouldn't stop. Snake's mind flashed back to five minutes earlier when he asked EVA, "Even if I punch someone in the face?" He just might have found what could get his mind off the itching.

Snake lowered his hand from the salute and walked away. He heard the soldier say, "Keep up the fine work, sir!" At the bottom of the staircase there was another soldier of lower rank. The soldier stood as far in attention as he could despite the trembling in his cowering frame. That was a difficult thing to do: standing at attention while cowering. The guard had his hand up in a trembling salute. The brim of his cap shielded the man's eyes but Snake knew they were on the floor.

"Wow, these guys are scared shitless of Raikov," Snake thought. The persistent itching in his crotch area and on his ass interrupted his observation. He hadn't dealt with anything like this since Tijuana and that definitely wasn't psychosomatic. This was starting to get irritating in more ways than one. Thank goodness he had something or rather someone to take his frustrations out on.

Snake walked the last few steps of the staircase and when he reached ground level he pushed the soldier out of the way roughly.

"Snake, was that really necessary?" Sigint said. "Just because you look like the dude now, you don't have to act like him."

"He was annoying me. And plus, the itching stopped for a second."

"Because you were concentrating on terrorizing that grunt," Para-medic said. Her disapproval was clear.

"I only pushed him, geez," Snake said under his breath.

Zero's voice came over the radio. "Personally, I don't care what you do as long as it doesn't compromise the mission. Snake's being an ass, just as Raikov is apparently wont to do. Hell, he could tap dance on the tables for all I care as long as he gets the job done."

"Please don't give him any ideas." Para-medic barely finished her sentence before they heard a thumping sound. "Oh dear," Para-medic said.

Snake jumped on the gray couches and the tables and started tap dancing or rather tried his best to tap dance. He had been trained to kill people not entertain them. His behavior was so out of the ordinary that it was helping him get his mind off the itching. Major Zero was a pretty creative guy, Snake thought.

He heard a faint beeping sound in his ear and stopped dancing momentarily in order to respond. He heard Zero yelling, "What in bloody hell are you doing? We have other things to do!"

"All right, but you were the one that suggested to do that and I have something I need to do first," Snake grumbled. He jumped off one of the tables with a flourish. The guards that gathered around to see 'Raikov' in one of his less violent outbursts applauded. The dancing was something new.

"Keep up the good work, Sir!" one of them yelled.

Snake strolled back to the library. There were a few people he needed to deal with before getting Sokolov. When he entered with his Raikov disguise on he walked up to the scientist with the receding gray hair parted on the side. No cries of "Who are you!" this time but it was obvious from the scientist's quivering lips that he was scared. In fact every time Snake tried to look the man in his beady brown eyes the scientist would turn away.

Seeing how much fear he instilled in the man should have made Snake feel better and gotten his mind off the itching but it didn't. The weaker man's constant blinking was irritating the elite agent. He decided then he would give him something to shake about.

Snake jabbed him in the face and the scientist put up his hands up way after the fact. Seriously delayed reflexes, Snake noted mentally. The scientist's yelp was music to his ears, so he did it again. And again. Finally Snake punched him in the crotch and was through with it.

He decided to call Paramedic and tell her his status.

"Snake, are you feeling better?" she asked hesitantly, hearing the cries of the abused scientist.

"Much."

"Now quit all this tomfoolery and proceed to the west wing!" Major Zero barked.

"Yes, sir!"

THE END

**A/N:** I'm sorry guys… but if I had to put on someone else's pants and they only wore thong underwear, I'd be having some psychosomatic issues too. When I was playing MGS3 and got to that section of the game I just couldn't get the idea out of my mind and had to write it. You know Naked Snake was totally impressed with his scientist disguise.


End file.
